The Drunk Life

I Stumbled Upon a very cool article the other day entitled The Many Uses of Vodka. Apparently, getting absolutely hammered in order to make New York Style pizza taste good is not it’s only function. Here are some of the best and most interesting ideas for finishing off that bottle:

• To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive
• Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with vodka, then throw into your regular wash.
• Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
• Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
• To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
• Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
• Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

Personally I think killing wasps, or at least seeing them trying to fly drunk, would be pretty cool. Also, if I’m ever stumbling drunk on the beach and happen to step on a jellyfish, I’ll know what to do. Not only will my foot be sting-free, but apparently it will smell great!

Another cool use for Vodka if found is making vodka pills. Apparently it only takes 24 hours, the only necessary ingredients are vodka (preferably flavored), sugar, water and corn starch. Most impressively, they come out looking like crack rocks.

For those that don’t know, Stumble Upon is a web service that allows you to click through the internet as if you were channel-surking the Internet. It’s wicked cool. Over time it learns your interests, and shows you pages it thinks you will like. You give the page a thumbs up or a thumbs down and it learns a little bit more about what kind of pages you like to see. I wonder what it says about a person when all Stumble Upon thinks you’ll be interested in is creative uses for vodka.

One of my favorite comedians who first inspired me to get into writing, comedy and stand-up is Aaron Karo. When he was in college he sent out funny e-mails to his buddies about what went on, and they forwarded those e-mails, and eventually Karo became a star. He now lives in Los Angeles and is a full time Comedian. He just made his Network TV debut on the Late Show, here’s the clip:

If you like his work you can check out more at aaronkaro.com and subscribe to his famous Ruminations e-mail column, it comes out bi-monthly and it’s always good for a laugh.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Stumble Upon to death, but I think this picture shows some of the issues you can run into when things get a little too automated.  Anyway, it’s good for a laugh…

An interesting name choice for this College Professor…

Oh Chinese people, when will you learn?

#10 - Why I Don’t Look Like my Daddy

#9 - Braids Made Easy with Beads and a Blender

#8 - Beat Hide and Seek: The Oven, the Dryer, and behind the SUV

#7 - Never Let the Car Get Your Ball

#6 - Blue’s Clues and the Mystery of the Partial Birth Abortion

#5 - Mom’s New Black Friend

#4 - Fun with Mr. Bubble, Rubber Ducky and the Toaster

#3 - Grampa Gets a Casket

#2 - 101 Games to Play in the Road

#1 - Dad’s New Wife Robert

Today marks the first time I peed in a non-toilet, non-wilderness setting. This marks a turning point in my young life. For years I have woke up hungover with the urge to pee, but an overwhelming unwillingness to get out of bed and drag my ass to the bathroom. Today, that urge won out.

This moment is special to me because every time I came upon this dilemma, I would debate peeing in a bottle with myself. I always came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to be the kind of person who pees in bottles and leaves them cluttered all about the bedroom. What I realized on this fateful day was that I have always been that person inside, and that my true, free-flowing self, has always been cooped up inside just waiting to break free.

The shops are amass with binders, book-bags, and signs covered in pictures of other people’s children. Back to school, BOGO, and mail-in rebate scams are everywhere. This can only mean one thing: It’s time to start planning for another year of Adderall, alcohol, and anonymous sex. Yay, College!

For a new year at school you’re going to need some new furniture, a beer-bong, and some posters. Without posters, how would you cover the holes you make in the walls? Or stop asbestos from falling off the shitty dorm ceiling onto you while you sleep? Start this semester off right by making sure your pad is perfectly pimped.

#10 - Teamwork Poster: If there’s on thing that you learn in college, it’s that friends is huge. Ten years down the line you won’t remember your classes, your exams, or anything you “learned.” What you’re going to remember is getting drunk with your friends. Maybe not all the specifics (that’s what photos and pizza stained clothing are for,) but that it generally happened and it was fun. There may be no I in drunk, but there is damn sure a U in it.

#9 - Hot Chicks Making Out: Want to know how I know you’re gay? Because you have a Coldplay poster above your bed. Let the girls know you have a pulse and a libido; get some T&A on your walls! Besides, after college it’s going to be considered creepy to have naked chicks all over your walls unless you’re a photographer or something… and photographers are the creepiest people on earth. And girls, nothing makes a guy want you more than the idea that you might be into girls too. Even if you’re not about to have a threesome, knowing you love Brooke Burke’s Ass as much as I do makes me feel more comfortable. Put up some hot chicks, your guy will like you better.

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One day I stumbled onto the porch of my crappy college apartment to see the following scenario unfolding:

There were cars parallel parked along both sides of my street. Two loud, presumably drunk, college students were standing at the end of the street on opposite sides of the road from one another. They gave each other a nod of understanding, faced forward, and leapt up onto the trunk of their first respective cars, ran over the tops of them, down the windshields, and then jumped onto the trunk of their next cars.

This unorthodox test of athleticism continued all the way up the street and off into the distance. Although it was funny, I realized it was time to start protecting myself, and my automotive investments…

Nobody’s using my ride for a sloppy steeple chase, even if it is a busted up purple Galant painted white with bird shit.

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A man is wasted and he stumbles into a bar. He spots a woman accross the room, and after staring at her for some time at he makes his way over to her and proceeds to shove his tougnue down her throat. She jumps up and slaps him. He immediately apologizes, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend. You look exactly like her.”

“You worthless, good for nothing, drunk!” the woman screams. “Why don’t you do something with you life.”

“Funny,” he muttered, “you sound exactly like her too.”

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Bob walks into a bar near the top of a high-rise building. He sees another man take a pill, take a drink, and then walk to the window and jump out. The man flys around for a minute and then zips back into the bar.

Bob watched in amazement as the man repeated this feat twice more. Finally Bob approached the man and asked if he could have a pill. The man said it was his last flying pill. Bob offered to buy the flying pill for five hundred dollars, but the man declined. Bob made a final offer of a thousand dollars, saying that it was all he had on him.

The man reluctantly took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. Bob took the pill, took a drink, and then went to the window, jumped out and fell to his death. The bartender walked over to the man at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

More quick laughs from The Drunk Life

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