The Drunk Life

I am pleased to see that another UAlbany student, Tara House, is writing extensively about her sex organs. Tara is currently a staff writer for College Candy, and recently made reference to The Drunk Life, saying that certain articles contained “ridiculous ideas about blowjobs.” For the full story on the controversy, read Tara’s article So You Want a Better BJ? Well What About My Va-Jay-Jay?

The notions contained in March’s slew or oral sex articles are not ridiculous. Using the term Va-Jay-Jay is ridiculous. Personally I prefer box, beaver, cooter, or panty hamster.

Read both stories, and then leave some comments and let us know what you think about the whole situation. If that doesn’t sound like fun, just leave comments with your favorite slang terms for vagina. Wizard’s sleeve anyone?

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Funny Film Fridays, the perfect thing to watch between real life and happy hour. This week’s video comes to us from the NYC sketch comedy team The Post Show, and it builds on the film from last week. Since the video is originally hoseted by the good folks over at Super Deluxe, there is a quick ad while the video loads. That’s the price you pay for free entertainment. Enjoy

It’s Thursday and you know what that means, Igor Updates!

In an effort to enhance Igor’s virtual appearance, we told him not to make such an unflattering face as he did for the previous picture. We also placed a football in his hand, to give the illusion of engagement in competitive sports. Improvement is minimal, but measurable none the less.

Since the last posting, it has been brought to my attention that Igor has actually never touched a vagina. Previous schools of thought were that Igor and vagina parted ways at birth, but new evidence has been brought to light. Igor is a big boy, and consequently confessed to being birthed via a cesarean section. Therefore, Igor has actually 100% never touched a vagina.

Female encounters prior to the quest include:

• Eighth grade: Once made out with a girl on his bed.
• Freshman year of High School: Was one of three guys to engage in heavy petting with a girl of admittedly low class and moral standards, but of bountiful bosom. All participants had reportedly been taking the pot.
• This year: a stripper at Night Moves did allow Igor to firmly affix his hands her ass and motorboat her mammaries.

Since the quest:

I am pleased to report that Igor briefly slept next to a drunk girl. Uninvited spooning with an intoxicated minor is a drastic step towards date-rape… err, wait, so maybe this isn’t so good. Regardless, it makes for a great photo op. Needless to say, no penetration took place, although the victim remains steadfast that she is “scared for life.”

For more Igor updates, and to meet the unfortunate front-runner for outcome B (Igor coming out of the closet,) check back next week.

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com with the subject “Igor’s V-Card”, and write a short paragraph explaining why.

“You know what the best part of falling in love is? It’s the Oral Sex.” ~Mark Hoppus.

Anyone who has ever been in love knows this to be true. Being in a relationship with someone allows you to learn the intricacies of each other’s bodies, and cater your techniques to please each other in ways you never thought possible. Another reason relationship-oral is better is because you don’t have to use protection. Getting head with a condom on would be like trying to read this column with your eyes closed.

Now it may seem irresponsible to promote unprotected sexual activity, but the reality is that people rarely use condoms for oral sex. In a relationship, people generally know their lover’s history. If you’re both clean, she’s on the pill, and neither of you are Republican; you don’t need condoms. This being the case, it’s important to make sure your partner stays faithful. Frequent, well-performed oral sex is a good way to keep someone satisfied. You can also drop subtle hints like: “When my last boyfriend cheated on me I went down on him and used my teeth,” or “When my last girlfriend cheated on me I napalmed her cat.”

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Welcome to the first edition of Funny Film Fridays. Each week, yours turely will peruse the Internet for some random video that will make you laugh. It’s the perfect thing to watch in between real life and happy hour. I promise you will like the videos. I have good taste, or atleast that’s what the swallowers say.

Here’s the video for week one. If you can’t relate, I guess you’re lucky. Oh, and ladies, listen up…

I hope you enjoyed this weeks film. Look forward to part 2 next Friday. If you have an idea for a Internet video to be featured on Funny Film Fridays, please contact The Drunk Life here.

Igor is 18 years old and has never touched a vagina. Well perhaps never is unfair, but since birth… seriously. It is Igor’s goal to eventually meet, greet and possibly eat a vagina.

Every week, TheDrunkLife will feature an Igor Update letting everyone know how his progress is coming along. These updates will continue until Igor either:

In accordance with his quest for pussy, Igor has enlisted my services. Unlike Igor, I have touched several vaginas. All Igor has to do is clean, wash dishes, cook, and run errands (buy milk, be D.D., make protein shakes.) In exchange, Igor will learn how to talk to girls without getting pepper-sprayed.

Igor is currently in the process of improving his dress, diet, and exercise regimen. He is also learning and practicing new social techniques and strategies. If anyone has any recommendations for Igor, please leave them on the comment board.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from TheDrunkLife.com!

The sidewalks here in Albany, N.Y. are covered in snow, so just “walk in groups in the middle of the street” like you were trying not to get raped. For those of you looking for some Irish drink recipies that are a little more authentic than Keystone and food coloring, I did a little homework for ya.

• Half & Half: Guinness Stout layered on top of Harp Lager.
• Black and Tan: Guinness Stout layered on top of Smithwick’s Irish Ale
• Trinity Pint: Guinmess Stout layered on top of Smithwick’s, which is layered on top of Harp. You can see my pouring skills below.
• Irish Coffee: Coffee with cream, sugar, and whiskey! You may substitute Baliey’s Irish Cream for whiskey at the surrender of your testicles.

There are a bunch more “Irish” drinks, but that should be enough to go on. And if you happen to be in Albany for the holiday, no St. Patrick’s Day would be complete without some Irish Nachos from the Washington Tavern. I’ll see ya there.

The following is some advice about how Steak & Blowjob Day will effect relationships and society. I wrote it as an add-on to the original S&BJ article for Points In Case. Enjoy!

Spending the holidays with someone makes him or her feel like part of your family. Whether you’re passing the gravy bowl at Thanksgiving or the buddah bowl on 420, sharing a holiday brings people together. The existence and observance of both Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day are essential to the equilibrium of the modern social scene.

There is a longstanding mantra about the nature of dating: “Girls fake orgasms, guys fake relationships.” As awesome of a t-shirt slogan as that is, it’s not the ideal situation that anyone would like to be in. Women need Valentine’s Day to evaluate their partners. Any tool can buy a Christmas present, and put a reminder in their PDA for a birthday and anniversary. Women need a real test, that’s why they made Valentine’s Day.

Men have to show that they love their women, not with one present, one meal, or one bouquet of flowers; but with a culmination of all the cliché crap they’ve learned from years of being subjected to “romantic comedies.” It’s very hard to pull off the perfect timing of dim lighting, chauffeured driving and muff diving without some hint of true feelings. Women know this, and they expect to be swept off their feet on this annual occasion.

Now if men are going to play into this fairy tail, it’s only fair that they get some tail in return. Men may be known for faking feelings, but so are women. Men have submitted to woman’s relationship sincerity trials for centuries, now it’s time to turn the table (or get under it) and partake in man’s perennial sexual performance test. It’s pretty hard for men to analyze the forthrightness of the female orgasm due to a mix or arrogance, alcohol and apathy. Therefore, men analyze sexual realness from the only perspective that matters, the penile one. Aside from that, we expect some dinner. It has long been stated that the way to a man’s heart is through his penis and his stomach.

Valentine’s Day requires men to show their ladies that they are creative, compassionate, and caring. In order to keep making memories, women need to be reminded that their partners are marriage material. Steak & Blowjob Day is an opportunity for women to show their men that they are sultry and seductive sword-swallowers, the caliber whose culinary creations rival their cum cravings. In order for men to keep going through the motions, they need decadent fillet and deep fellatio.

There are a lot of reasons to get a new phone. Many a phone has been shattered over an ex-lover or stolen by a scumbag with an ebay account. Who hasn’t blacked out and lost their celly, or gracefully used it as a projectile? College students break cell phones like they’re animal skin condoms.

Anyone how has ever tried to salvage a damaged phone, make a warranty claim, or cash in on their total equipment protection knows that cell phone companies a stingy motherfuckers. They don’t get the money for celebrity endorsements and commercials by giving away phones to deserving customers. Their favorite scapegoat for your phone phollies? Water Damage.

In defense of the phone companies, usually when they say your phone has been dropped, crushed or spilt on, it has. With physical damage, it’s hard to say it came with a missing button or cracked screen. But with water damage, people will argue to the death that it was never submerged in natty-ice, and that it “just stopped working.”

Bruce’s phone (pictured above) suffered a most heinous fate. It was in his pocket when he stumbled home from the bar, passed out, and then had an accident in the night. He awoke, pulled out his phone to call into work, and found it unresponsive, sopping wet, and curiously scented. I’d love to see the look on the face of the Sprint Sales Rep. when Bruce hands him the phone and then explains that he pissed on it.

Finding out your phone has water damage is like finding out your girlfriend has herpes. You can’t fix it. It’s done. Move on. Get a new one. But like acquiring women, new phones require capital. In fact, the similarities between phones and women are many. Both want you to make some sort of long-term commitment. They do offer month-to-month plans, but often many features will be unavailable.

Top of the line phones and women are only available to people with a good history, lots of money, and the ability to make a commitment. But if you’re going to use it, abuse it, and eventually piss it off and get a new one; might as well just scoop up a refurbished model.

As many of you might know, March 14th is officially Steak & Blowjob day. For those of you unfamiliar with the holiday, check out the article I wrote last year. This is basically how it works: the girl who a man spent Valentines Day with cooks him a steak and gives him a blowjob. The steak should be cooked to his preference, but the blowjob must be well done. Under no circumstance may anyone receive a card.

Now guys, if you spent Valentines Day in any other fashion than your face engulfed in vagina, our beloved holiday might be a tough sell to your companion. Many women have developed irrational views related toward oral sex, such as “blowjobs are degrading,” “I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex,” and “Let’s take our power back, starting with the word “cunt!”” These views are the fault of man. If we ate more pussy, and did a better job of it, then women wouldn’t have misconceived notions about oral sex. Any girl who thinks she doesn’t enjoy oral has never been with a cunning linguistic expert such as myself.

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