This week’s video is a classic. Some have you might have seen it before, but it’s so good that it deserves a revisit. Enjoy 
If you have an idea for an Internet video to be featured on Funny Film Fridays, please contact The Drunk Life here.
I believe it was 5th grade recess when I first learned the steps that would govern opposite sex interactions for the rest of my hormonally charged life. You know what I’m talking about, the bases:
Ok, just kidding about that last one. Regardless, the first step is the French kiss, then copping a feel (breasts/ass.) For most of us, this is pretty much where we stayed until high school, stuck playing shortstop. If you’re a guy and you lost in when you were like 13, I guess that’s cool. If you lost it to a hot teacher, then it’s definitely cool (unless it was a dude.) If you’re a girl and you lost it at 13, take that info to the grave with you.
Now, when most people think of virginity, they envision the pre-pussy purgatory that lies between the subtle squeezes of second base and the tangy taste of third. Apparently KFC isn’t the only place that has finger-licking-good chick-n-box.
In my experiences, most girls loose their virginity between 15-17, while for guys it’s usually 16-18. Once that third base is rounded, home is in sight. Occasionally couples get held up on the transition for 3rd to home, but the reason is usually retarded, religion, or the rectum. Otherwise, the next stop for the beef bus is downtown tuna town.
What’s strange in Igor’s case is that it seems he never really got up to bat. If you look back to the 2nd week of Igor’s V-Card Chronicles, you’ll see that he French kissed a girl in 8th grade, and felt one up in 9th. A little behind the schedule, but on track none the less. Then Igor fell off course. No one is really sure what might have happened, but rumors of compulsive masturbation and collectable card games cast a shameful shadow over Igor’s wilting wiener.
That is why today I come to you with MONUMENTAL news. Igor is on the path to success. We knew he cleaned himself up, got some nice clothes, and started working out. This could be interpreted as buying a baseball jersey, wiping the dust (and chafed skin) off his bat, and joining a team. Then he started talking to girls, which is like going to games, riding the bench, and occasionally getting an at-bat… only to inevitably strike out. But every dog has his day, and judging for the following picture, maybe Igor’s not gay.
A base hit! A base hit! Unfortunately, this chick facebooked Igor and found out about his quest. For some odd reason, she’s not into cherry poppin’. Never the less, we’re all very proud of Igor; and if his smile is any indication, he’s pretty proud of himself. Next stop nipples!
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.
Q: What’s the difference between a Priest and a Pimple?
A: Pimples wait until you’re 13 before they come on your face.
Happy 420 from The Drunk Life!! In honor of the holiday, this week’s videos are drug-related. The first is a parody of anti-drug public service announcements, which are in and of themselves some of the best unintentional comedy ever recorded. I think a DVD of every anti-drug commercial from the 80’s and 90’s would make for and awesome stoner movie. There are so many classics:
Then there’s this…
This next video is also from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. It chronicles the person-pot love affair that many are probably experiencing today.
Finally, I was looking for the Chappelle Show Marijuana PSA that tells inner-city youth not to “get high and ride their bike.” I couldn’t find it, so I’ll leave you with this instead.
“Get a pizza” = Awesome
Igor hung out with a hot girl! Igor turned down some dirty pussy! Igor joined facebook! Igor is VD free! What’s the problem ladies? That’s right, all of these positive qualities are recent realizations about Igor’s bachelor status.
Just last weekend, Igor invited a girl over after the bar to “hang out and eat pizza.” Unfortunately, there must have been something wrong with the girl’s mental process. All she wanted to do was hang out and eat pizza! What the fuck?
What makes the above story more tragic is that Igor turned down a bar-skank to hang out with pizza girl. Said bar-skank approached Igor at the bar, and told him she was looking for some no-strings-attached sex. That was good. Her favorite topic of conversation? This was her first night out since having a miscarriage two weeks ago. That was not so good. Due to this girl’s revolting sexual honesty, poor physical appearance, and questionable vaginal health, Igor headed for greener pastures. [Green Pastures Green Pussy 
]
Igor became a part of the facebook phenomenon just a few short days ago. There is a group devoted to helping Igor lose his virginity. It’s been up for 3 days and we already have 85 members. Log on and show your support for Igor! You can even befriend him if you like.
Igor made his debut in the octagon! That’s right, there has been a long standing tradition in our house to have Kumates. A Kumate is a UFC style fight to the death. In order to make these more fun and less deadly, there is no striking, no pins, and no refusing a challenge. You gotta make your opponent tap. I don’t know why it took this long, but I finally had the foresight to videotape these misguided episodes of lovemaking. During the battle, Igor began to bleed. This brought up the AIDS question…
Igor can’t have any STDs, because he’s never had sex. That’s right ladies, unless Igor rubbed his dick on a gas station toilet, he is VD free!
For those of you who want to see Igor getting his ass kicked, the video will be posted within the next couple days. It’s about 12 minutes long, and extremely troubling. There is a sweet power-bomb, and some humorous commentary by yours truely.
“I want to be laid.”
Just a funny aside note, when we were at the bar, a hot girl turned to Igor and asked:
“Why do you let them call you Igor?”
To which he replied:
“Because that’s my name.”
Poor Igor, ain’t that some shit? Til next week.
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.
In honor of Entourage making it’s way back onto the air-waves (HBO Sundays at 10pm,) it seemed only fitting to devote this week’s video to the show. Enter Ari Gold, one of the most entertaining characters of our generation. If you don’t watch Entourage, maybe now you’ll fork over the 14$ a month for HBO. If you do, then enjoy the nostalgia from last season. If you’re pregaming for happy hour, take a shot every time Ari says something offensive. Good luck making it to the bar.
As a special bonus for Entourage fans, check this video out. It’s a montage-of-sorts between Ari and Lloyd. It’s probably not very funny if you haven’t seen the show, but if you have it’s a riot. I bring you Brokeback Entourage.
It appears that things are really starting to turn around for Igor! When the project first began, Igor was poorly dressed, out of shape, and working one day a week at a candle kiosque. Most of Igor’s days were spent sleeping away in his own filth like a common swine, but no more!
Igor now has a full time job. Check out his work threads (pictured left.) He actually makes $10.25/hr, the most money out of everyone in the apartment. He also works one day a week at a massage kiosque, which is slightly more heterosexual than the candle kiosque. Most importantly, Igor has been making progress with the ladies. Just the other day, while peddling massage products, Igor obtained a girl’s phone number. In fact, Igor has had several female suiters this week. He was forced to pass on another mall-cutie because she was below the age of consent, a chick at the gym said she’d bang Igor out in the tanning booth if she wasn’t engaged, and someone voted on the Igor poll that his quest will end when she has sex with Igor.
The willing sexual participant is pictured to the right; her comments surrounding the vote are displayed below. Her screen name has been altered to protect her anonymity.
So, no pussy for Igor. What a shocker. The polls are still open though. On the bright side, Igor has learned how to read. In order to speed up the development of Igor’s social skills, he now has continual reading assignments. I am glad to report that Igor has finished his first book, The Game by Neil Strauss
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.
Many people refer to Wednesday as “Hump Day” because it’s smack dab in the middle of the week. Once you get over the Wednesday hump, the weekend is right around the corner. To assist you in your humping, every Wednesday TheDrunkLife brings you a new joke to help you keep your mid-week sanity. Here’s this week’s joke:
A man gets a phone call telling him that his wife has just been hospitalized following a terrible car accident. Over the phone, the doctor tells the man that his wife is currently in critical condition, but is expected to live through the ordeal. He goes on to tell the man to get to the hospital as quickly as possible.
The man arrives at the hospital shortly thereafter. He immediately runs toward his wife’s room, but he bumps into her doctor in the hallway.
Man: “How is she Doc?”
Doctor: “Well I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that although she is going to live, she’s not going to regain her pervious level of functioning. She’s going to be completely paralyzed and consequently confined to a wheelchair. You’re going to have to wheel her everywhere she needs to go, feed her, dress her, and bath her. She won’t be able to go to the bathroom on her own either, you’re going to have to help her get on the toilet and then help her clean up afterwards.”
Man: “Oh my God, that’s terrible. What is the good news?”
Doctor: “I’m just kidding, she’s dead.”
That’s terrible, I know, but whatever, it’s funny.
It’s the third week of Funny Film Fridays and the laughs keep coming. This week’s video comes to us from the last season of Mad TV. Not only is this video funny, but it’s educational. Some people are dirty. Next time you convince a complete stranger to go home with you, remember to use a condom before you congratulate yourself. That is, unless you like peeing broken glass.
I hope you enjoyed this weeks film, but not because you could relate to it Like always, if you have an idea for a Internet video to be featured on Funny Film Fridays, please e-mail a link to james@thedrunklife.com.
