That’s right ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in his frustrated existence, Igor touched a pussy! Even more shocking, the girl was awake! I’ll let the following conversation speak for itself:
The tale of Igor’s first thumb war in tuna town is after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »
No, Igor is not easing racial tensions. Rather, Igor has gone dark in the sense of covert. His actions, endeavors and whereabouts are a mystery at present. For further explanation please observe the following picture:
We’re talking some James Bond shit, he’s like double O well… zero. No ladies yet. In fact, Igor is now blaming the website for his lack of success. Ain’t that some shit? I feel like you have to have had sex prior to a situation before you can accuse said situation of cock-blocking. So what is more than likely cock-blocking Igor? Igor.
Seriously though, Igor has stopped coming home, and generally avoided everyone and asked me not to divulge his plans until they reach failure or fruition. Obviously there will still be Igor updates, he just doesn’t want me scaring the chicks off. All one of them.
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.
This is Igor’s bedroom:
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to make Igor understand that no self-respecting girl is going to have sex in a room that looks like that. Igor retorts that any girl who is going to fuck him is obviously devoid of self-respect to begin with. I have no rebuttal.
Regardless of the fact that Igor’s target demographic is overweight emo slores*, Igor decided to heed my advice. That’s right, Igor cleaned his room. I mean, if you’re going to get a disease from having sex, you don’t want it to be meningitis from a skanky matress.
*Slore (noun) - One who exhibits traits of both a slut and a whore, and deserves dual recognition as such.
ex. “Dude, do you think Jenna’s cute?”
“Yeah dude, go for it, but be sure to wrap it up; I hear she’s a pretty big slore.”
Yes, slores don’t usually care about their sexual environment, but even they deserve some reward for charity work. Check out Igor’s new slore-accommodating pad:
Now girls can feel confident that they wont acquire athlete’s foot, ringworm or hepatitis in exchange for the HIV they give Igor. I suppose a few posters, a television, some chairs and a computer would be nice, but one step at a time. Igor has been known to buy candles. When you smell like Igor, candles are clutch. Good job Igor, keep making improvements to your ’situation’ and you’ll have that V-Card validated in no time.
Speaking of self-improvement, Igor has a new reading assignment:
Rumor has it that Igor has a couple ladies in the work for this weekend. Only time will tell if anything comes of it, but for now the quest continues…
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.
I believe it was 5th grade recess when I first learned the steps that would govern opposite sex interactions for the rest of my hormonally charged life. You know what I’m talking about, the bases:
Ok, just kidding about that last one. Regardless, the first step is the French kiss, then copping a feel (breasts/ass.) For most of us, this is pretty much where we stayed until high school, stuck playing shortstop. If you’re a guy and you lost in when you were like 13, I guess that’s cool. If you lost it to a hot teacher, then it’s definitely cool (unless it was a dude.) If you’re a girl and you lost it at 13, take that info to the grave with you.
Now, when most people think of virginity, they envision the pre-pussy purgatory that lies between the subtle squeezes of second base and the tangy taste of third. Apparently KFC isn’t the only place that has finger-licking-good chick-n-box.
In my experiences, most girls loose their virginity between 15-17, while for guys it’s usually 16-18. Once that third base is rounded, home is in sight. Occasionally couples get held up on the transition for 3rd to home, but the reason is usually retarded, religion, or the rectum. Otherwise, the next stop for the beef bus is downtown tuna town.
What’s strange in Igor’s case is that it seems he never really got up to bat. If you look back to the 2nd week of Igor’s V-Card Chronicles, you’ll see that he French kissed a girl in 8th grade, and felt one up in 9th. A little behind the schedule, but on track none the less. Then Igor fell off course. No one is really sure what might have happened, but rumors of compulsive masturbation and collectable card games cast a shameful shadow over Igor’s wilting wiener.
That is why today I come to you with MONUMENTAL news. Igor is on the path to success. We knew he cleaned himself up, got some nice clothes, and started working out. This could be interpreted as buying a baseball jersey, wiping the dust (and chafed skin) off his bat, and joining a team. Then he started talking to girls, which is like going to games, riding the bench, and occasionally getting an at-bat… only to inevitably strike out. But every dog has his day, and judging for the following picture, maybe Igor’s not gay.
A base hit! A base hit! Unfortunately, this chick facebooked Igor and found out about his quest. For some odd reason, she’s not into cherry poppin’. Never the less, we’re all very proud of Igor; and if his smile is any indication, he’s pretty proud of himself. Next stop nipples!
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.
Igor hung out with a hot girl! Igor turned down some dirty pussy! Igor joined facebook! Igor is VD free! What’s the problem ladies? That’s right, all of these positive qualities are recent realizations about Igor’s bachelor status.
Just last weekend, Igor invited a girl over after the bar to “hang out and eat pizza.” Unfortunately, there must have been something wrong with the girl’s mental process. All she wanted to do was hang out and eat pizza! What the fuck?
What makes the above story more tragic is that Igor turned down a bar-skank to hang out with pizza girl. Said bar-skank approached Igor at the bar, and told him she was looking for some no-strings-attached sex. That was good. Her favorite topic of conversation? This was her first night out since having a miscarriage two weeks ago. That was not so good. Due to this girl’s revolting sexual honesty, poor physical appearance, and questionable vaginal health, Igor headed for greener pastures. [Green Pastures 
Green Pussy 
]
Igor became a part of the facebook phenomenon just a few short days ago. There is a group devoted to helping Igor lose his virginity. It’s been up for 3 days and we already have 85 members. Log on and show your support for Igor! You can even befriend him if you like.
Igor made his debut in the octagon! That’s right, there has been a long standing tradition in our house to have Kumates. A Kumate is a UFC style fight to the death. In order to make these more fun and less deadly, there is no striking, no pins, and no refusing a challenge. You gotta make your opponent tap. I don’t know why it took this long, but I finally had the foresight to videotape these misguided episodes of lovemaking. During the battle, Igor began to bleed. This brought up the AIDS question…
Igor can’t have any STDs, because he’s never had sex. That’s right ladies, unless Igor rubbed his dick on a gas station toilet, he is VD free!
For those of you who want to see Igor getting his ass kicked, the video will be posted within the next couple days. It’s about 12 minutes long, and extremely troubling. There is a sweet power-bomb, and some humorous commentary by yours truely.
“I want to be laid.”
Just a funny aside note, when we were at the bar, a hot girl turned to Igor and asked:
“Why do you let them call you Igor?”
To which he replied:
“Because that’s my name.”
Poor Igor, ain’t that some shit? Til next week.
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.
It appears that things are really starting to turn around for Igor! When the project first began, Igor was poorly dressed, out of shape, and working one day a week at a candle kiosque. Most of Igor’s days were spent sleeping away in his own filth like a common swine, but no more!
Igor now has a full time job. Check out his work threads (pictured left.) He actually makes $10.25/hr, the most money out of everyone in the apartment. He also works one day a week at a massage kiosque, which is slightly more heterosexual than the candle kiosque. Most importantly, Igor has been making progress with the ladies. Just the other day, while peddling massage products, Igor obtained a girl’s phone number. In fact, Igor has had several female suiters this week. He was forced to pass on another mall-cutie because she was below the age of consent, a chick at the gym said she’d bang Igor out in the tanning booth if she wasn’t engaged, and someone voted on the Igor poll that his quest will end when she has sex with Igor.
The willing sexual participant is pictured to the right; her comments surrounding the vote are displayed below. Her screen name has been altered to protect her anonymity.
So, no pussy for Igor. What a shocker. The polls are still open though. On the bright side, Igor has learned how to read. In order to speed up the development of Igor’s social skills, he now has continual reading assignments. I am glad to report that Igor has finished his first book, The Game by Neil Strauss
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.
Igor Updates have proved to be one of the most popular features here on The Drunk Life. For that reason, I wouldn’t let a little thing like spring break get in the way of laughing at another’s sexual misfortune. You can thank me later.
After the last two weeks’ pictures, a lot of people have been asking if Igor has any other shirts to wear. Well, after a little trip to the mall I’m pleased to announce that Igor is well on his way to having a clean shirt for almost every day of the week! Check out his new threads. C’mon ladies, you know you wanna hit that.
In the first Igor Update, Meet Igor: The Patented Pussy Repellent, I posed three possible outcomes of Igor’s quest for cooter. These expectations were that Igor would eventually:
What I didn’t expect was the surge of verbal voting that followed. Apparently, everyone thinks Igor’s best chance at sex is with Keith (pictured left,) with or without his consent. Since so many people who know Igor believe that option B is the front-runner, I’ve decided to open an official poll. You should see it on the top right-hand side of your screen.
*UPDATE: The poll was taken down as a result of prevailent voter fraud.
In the mean time, we’ve taken to the streets, interviewing local girls about Igor’s pussy probability.
The Drunk Life - Would you ever have sex with Igor?
Myranda - ::gasps for oxygen over uncontrollable laughter:: No.
Since she was clearly astounded by the notion, we decided to sweeten the pot.
TDL - What if you could have any car you wanted, and all you had to do was have sex with Igor?
Myranda - No.
Well, maybe she has unreasonable standards, so we took our question to the other drunk girl in our kitchen.
TDL - If you could have any car in the world, if you had sex with igor, would you?
Lauren - Any kind of car?
That’s a buyer’s question! We’ll take it. She’d do it for a Lamborghini; there is hope.
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.
Welcome to the 2nd edition of Funny Film Fridays, the perfect thing to watch between real life and happy hour. This week’s video comes to us from the NYC sketch comedy team The Post Show, and it builds on the film from last week. Since the video is originally hoseted by the good folks over at Super Deluxe, there is a quick ad while the video loads. That’s the price you pay for free entertainment. Enjoy
I hope you enjoyed this weeks film. Look for a new video next week.
It’s Thursday and you know what that means, Igor Updates!
In an effort to enhance Igor’s virtual appearance, we told him not to make such an unflattering face as he did for the previous picture. We also placed a football in his hand, to give the illusion of engagement in competitive sports. Improvement is minimal, but measurable none the less.
Since the last posting, it has been brought to my attention that Igor has actually never touched a vagina. Previous schools of thought were that Igor and vagina parted ways at birth, but new evidence has been brought to light. Igor is a big boy, and consequently confessed to being birthed via a cesarean section. Therefore, Igor has actually 100% never touched a vagina.
Female encounters prior to the quest include:
Since the quest:
I am pleased to report that Igor briefly slept next to a drunk girl. Uninvited spooning with an intoxicated minor is a drastic step towards date-rape… err, wait, so maybe this isn’t so good. Regardless, it makes for a great photo op. Needless to say, no penetration took place, although the victim remains steadfast that she is “scared for life.”
For more Igor updates, and to meet the unfortunate front-runner for outcome B (Igor coming out of the closet,) check back next week.
As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com with the subject “Igor’s V-Card”, and write a short paragraph explaining why.
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Igor is 18 years old and has never touched a vagina. Well perhaps never is unfair, but since birth… seriously. It is Igor’s goal to eventually meet, greet and possibly eat a vagina.
Every week, TheDrunkLife will feature an Igor Update letting everyone know how his progress is coming along. These updates will continue until Igor either:
In accordance with his quest for pussy, Igor has enlisted my services. Unlike Igor, I have touched several vaginas. All Igor has to do is clean, wash dishes, cook, and run errands (buy milk, be D.D., make protein shakes.) In exchange, Igor will learn how to talk to girls without getting pepper-sprayed.
Igor is currently in the process of improving his dress, diet, and exercise regimen. He is also learning and practicing new social techniques and strategies. If anyone has any recommendations for Igor, please leave them on the comment board.
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