Why I had to Fire my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word, so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok,” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday!”
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.
A man is wasted and he stumbles into a bar. He spots a woman accross the room, and after staring at her for some time at he makes his way over to her and proceeds to shove his tougnue down her throat. She jumps up and slaps him. He immediately apologizes, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend. You look exactly like her.” 
Bob walks into a bar near the top of a high-rise building. He sees another man take a pill, take a drink, and then walk to the window and jump out. The man flys around for a minute and then zips back into the bar.
The plane goes silent. The passengers forget their own peril, and stare, riveted, at the woman. Then a tall, dark, and handsome guy at the back of the plane stands up.
A fireman climbs up to the bedroom window of a burning house and finds a gorgeous blonde in a see-through nightie. 
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
“Ralph!” The father shouts. “Come here.” She hears a defeated whimper from beneath her chair and looks down to see a small puppy with a red collar sporting the name “Ralph.” The dog doesn’t move. She breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to work on her eggplant parm.
A few bites later and she feels a rumbling in her bowels. She faintly lifts a thigh and tries to sneak another one by. Her fart is monstrous.
