The Drunk Life

1. Flip Mino HD - What facebook-stalking, youtube watching college age person wouldn’t love an HD camcorder the size of an iPod that they can store all their drunken adventures on? It easier to share than a sorority pledge and it shoots videos in 720p resolution. Best of all, it’s only $200, meaning that you can probably buy it if you round up and return all your bottles and cans, and you can afford to take it out to the bars because it probably costs less than your outfit.
2. i Pod Touch (2nd Generation) - Speaking of smaller than an iPod, the new iTouch is much thinner than even an iPhone. With all the great applications, awesome browser and wi-fi support, the iTouch is an absolute must ahve for anyone who doesn’t have AT&T and therefore cannot have an iPhone. No reason to miss out of facebooking while on the bus to the bars, updating your blog from the palm of your hand, or browsing lolcats during lecture. I can haz cheezburger?

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A good friend of mine has started a social movement in the wake of this election via his t-shirts that read “I voted for the Black Half.”  This post is pretty much a shameless plug, but the site is awesome, so deal with it.

Essentially, Obama is 50% black, and my friend is 0% black yet 100% jealous (of Obama’s blackness, not the Presidency.)  A little over 50% of the country voted for Obama.  Of that 53 odd percent, some were voting for the white half of Obama, and some were voting for the black half of Obama.  By wearing a BlackHalf T-Shirt, you can explain with half you voted for.

Personally, I just went with whatever half knew how to use a computer, and did not believe that at some point in history, two of every animal boarded a boat and set out into a rainstorm…

Anyway, check out blackhalf.com buy a T-Shirt, and wear it proudly.  It’s what your ancestors would have wanted.

A friend of mine who’s into nightclub promoting stumbled across this. I’ve never wanted to pee so badly in my life, well almost never. Anyway, just don’t try this at home with your X-Box. No warranties cover water damage.

I Stumbled Upon a very cool article the other day entitled The Many Uses of Vodka. Apparently, getting absolutely hammered in order to make New York Style pizza taste good is not it’s only function. Here are some of the best and most interesting ideas for finishing off that bottle:

• To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive
• Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with vodka, then throw into your regular wash.
• Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
• Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
• To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
• Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
• Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

Personally I think killing wasps, or at least seeing them trying to fly drunk, would be pretty cool. Also, if I’m ever stumbling drunk on the beach and happen to step on a jellyfish, I’ll know what to do. Not only will my foot be sting-free, but apparently it will smell great!

Another cool use for Vodka if found is making vodka pills. Apparently it only takes 24 hours, the only necessary ingredients are vodka (preferably flavored), sugar, water and corn starch. Most impressively, they come out looking like crack rocks.

For those that don’t know, Stumble Upon is a web service that allows you to click through the internet as if you were channel-surking the Internet. It’s wicked cool. Over time it learns your interests, and shows you pages it thinks you will like. You give the page a thumbs up or a thumbs down and it learns a little bit more about what kind of pages you like to see. I wonder what it says about a person when all Stumble Upon thinks you’ll be interested in is creative uses for vodka.

#10 - Why I Don’t Look Like my Daddy

#9 - Braids Made Easy with Beads and a Blender

#8 - Beat Hide and Seek: The Oven, the Dryer, and behind the SUV

#7 - Never Let the Car Get Your Ball

#6 - Blue’s Clues and the Mystery of the Partial Birth Abortion

#5 - Mom’s New Black Friend

#4 - Fun with Mr. Bubble, Rubber Ducky and the Toaster

#3 - Grampa Gets a Casket

#2 - 101 Games to Play in the Road

#1 - Dad’s New Wife Robert

Today marks the first time I peed in a non-toilet, non-wilderness setting. This marks a turning point in my young life. For years I have woke up hungover with the urge to pee, but an overwhelming unwillingness to get out of bed and drag my ass to the bathroom. Today, that urge won out.

This moment is special to me because every time I came upon this dilemma, I would debate peeing in a bottle with myself. I always came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to be the kind of person who pees in bottles and leaves them cluttered all about the bedroom. What I realized on this fateful day was that I have always been that person inside, and that my true, free-flowing self, has always been cooped up inside just waiting to break free.

Now you can learn how to get laid from the comfort of your couch (here’s looking at you Igor.) Mystery, a revered PUA (pick-up artist) from The Game (the modern guy’s bible) has landed his own reality TV show. The Pick Up Artist, which airs Monday nights at 9pm Eastern on VH1, aims to teach eight losers how to score with girls.

The line up includes a computer nerd, a guy who doesn’t know he’s gay yet, and a 45-year-old virgin. The unsatisfied eight live together in a house in Texas. Mystery, accompanied by PUAs J-Dog and Matador, teach the guys some moves, and then take them out to try them in the field.

Each week one frustrated chump is sent home, presumably to masturbate, until only one contestant remains. The final bachelor will be crowned the VH1 Pick Up Artist.

The show is genuinely entertaining. You get the joy of watching guys crash and burn, coupled with some funny pick-up lines, and enough T&A that you don’t need to pick up a girl to have a good time. The most fantastic thing is that the show makes running game on girls and bedding them look admirable, something I haven’t been able to do in four years of college.

Here’s the Trailer:

I don’t plug things very often, but this show is going to be amazing. If you aren’t familiar with PUAs, AFCs (average frustrated chumps) or The Game, it’s time to get with the program. Girls have had Cosmo, Cosmo girl and Seventeen since age 11. Without some counter-knowledge, a women’s estrogen-fueled insanity can eat a guy alive.

Ever get a ticket for public urination? That shit sucks. First of all you get searched. Even if you are lucky enough not to get caught with a fake ID, a bag of weed or a cop’s finger in your ass, you’ll still likely get taken down to the station and processed. The worst part is you generally only find yourself peeing in public late at night when you’re drunk, but these assholes give you court at 8am the next morning.

Well my weak bladdered friend, you live in oppression no more. The German company KETS has released the Roadbag, a portable little pouch you carry around just in case of an emergency. Inside the bag is a special polymer powder that turns your urine into a gel on contact, and by gel I mean projectile.

Each Roadbag comes with a refresher pad attached to keep up the illusion than men wash their hands after taking a piss. The urine is dispensed into a “snug flexible orifice” making it double as the perfect nightcap after a depressing evening of unsuccessful pick-up attempts.

The Road bag can hold up to 700ml of your big, ropey jets of urine. It was originally designed for use by frustrated drivers during traffic jams. Generally speaking, if you drank enough to piss 700ml, you probably shouldn’t be driving.

There are a lot of ways to go through life. Some people choose to be cheap, hording change, skimping on tips and giving shitty Christmas presents. Others choose to be condescending, going through life with a silver spoon up their ass while other have to take the more conventional shaft-route. Then there are those who choose to whore their way through life, slutting it up at every opportunity in exchange for attention, money, and the metaphorical hug that daddy never gave.

Meet CollegeCallGirl, a female student who moved to NYC for college. She found herself, a small-town girl with little income, in one of the biggest and most expensive cities in the world. In order to solve her dilemmas of being lonely and broke, she took to craigslist and started meeting tricks for casual encounters. She’s enjoying the sex, using the money for college, and in traditional hipster fashion, writing in her blog about it.

If I wanted an older man to come over and spank me or a young stud to pretend to be my high school boyfriend, they were out there in the Internet ether. All I had to do was type in my requirements, hit publish, and start sifting through emails from hundreds of men available to come over and not only provide me with any sexual service I desired but pick up a six-pack on the way over.

Wowiee! Not only will men have sex with horny co-eds they find on the Internet, but they’ll bring beer too. Sex AND beer, could college get any better?

It was the dirty jolt of excitement that comes from spontaneous, uninhibited sex with someone you barely know. If I was doing it for fun, why couldn’t I do it for money?

Ahh yes, money. Sex, beer and money, some people really can have it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disparaging or degrading CampusCallGirl for whoring her way through life. Tons of people do it, she just happens to be rather good at it. What’s more is that she confesses to being slightly overweight and not overwhelmingly attractive. Sure, whoring your way through college would make for an amazing edition of my Unqualified Advice column, but what I’m really thinking is:

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

That’s right kids, you’re reading this while I’m living it up in sunny Cancun. If you’re not jealous yet, I’ve included a picture of where I’m staying. Eat it Vagina

That being said, there will still be an Igor Update this Thursday and a new video on Funny Film Friday. Don’t ask how I did this; I’m amazing. Standard random updates will start back up next Tuesday. In the mean time, there are some things I could use reader input on:

I need more ideas for themed weekly updates. Thursday Igor Updates and Funny Film Fridays are great, but there are five more days in the week. Here are some ideas I’ve been toying around with:
• Monday Morning Memoirs: Readers submit their funny stories from the weekend. Monday morning the best one gets displayed front-and-center on The Drunk Life.
• Hump Jokes: Every Wednesday (Hump Day) a new joke is posted. Jokes would come from readers, or my personal collection.
• Sexy Sundays: Sort of a “babe of the week” type feature on Sundays. There would be a hot chick, a few words, and a bunch of pictures. I’m a little skeptical about this one, because for some strange-but-sweet reason a lot of my readers are girls.
• Book Ideas: I was recently contacted by publishers from National Lampoons about the possibility of writing a book for them. That’s right, the people who brought you Van Wilder think I might have what it takes to write for them. They told me their publishers love books with funny and clever titles, and a theme that allows for a lot of punch lines. Every chapter title needs to make the reader laugh and want to read it. The only idea I have at the moment would be a collection of my columns, extensively edited, reworked, and paired with tons of unreleased stuff. Something along the lines of Unqualified Advice: A guide to getting 4.0 grades, 10.0 girls, and a near-lethal B.A.C. I just pulled that out of my ass and I know it’s not that funny. It doesn’t need to be related to the column; I just need some ideas to work from.

If you have any funny weekend stories, jokes, hot babes or book ideas, shoot me an e-mail. I expect to return from Spring Break to a full inbox. Until then, I’ll be drinking a Corona for each and every one of you. Cheers!