Igor stays VD Free!

April 19, 2007 @ 1:31 pm · Filed under Igor's V-Card

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Igor at the bar Igor hung out with a hot girl! Igor turned down some dirty pussy! Igor joined facebook! Igor is VD free! What’s the problem ladies? That’s right, all of these positive qualities are recent realizations about Igor’s bachelor status.

Just last weekend, Igor invited a girl over after the bar to “hang out and eat pizza.” Unfortunately, there must have been something wrong with the girl’s mental process. All she wanted to do was hang out and eat pizza! What the fuck?

What makes the above story more tragic is that Igor turned down a bar-skank to hang out with pizza girl. Said bar-skank approached Igor at the bar, and told him she was looking for some no-strings-attached sex. That was good. Her favorite topic of conversation? This was her first night out since having a miscarriage two weeks ago. That was not so good. Due to this girl’s revolting sexual honesty, poor physical appearance, and questionable vaginal health, Igor headed for greener pastures. [Green Pastures Green Pussy ]

Igor became a part of the facebook phenomenon just a few short days ago. There is a group devoted to helping Igor lose his virginity. It’s been up for 3 days and we already have 85 members. Log on and show your support for Igor! You can even befriend him if you like.

Igor made his debut in the octagon! That’s right, there has been a long standing tradition in our house to have Kumates. A Kumate is a UFC style fight to the death. In order to make these more fun and less deadly, there is no striking, no pins, and no refusing a challenge. You gotta make your opponent tap. I don’t know why it took this long, but I finally had the foresight to videotape these misguided episodes of lovemaking. During the battle, Igor began to bleed. This brought up the AIDS question…

Igor can’t have any STDs, because he’s never had sex. That’s right ladies, unless Igor rubbed his dick on a gas station toilet, he is VD free!

For those of you who want to see Igor getting his ass kicked, the video will be posted within the next couple days. It’s about 12 minutes long, and extremely troubling. There is a sweet power-bomb, and some humorous commentary by yours truely.

With Igor’s new found fame, it has become important for him to be able to discern between chicks, hoes, and chicken-heads. That’s why Igor’s newest reading assignment is Tariq “King Flex” Nasheed’s The Mack Within. There was an episode of MTV’s Made, where a chubby awkward young lad wanted to be made into a ladies man. In order to help him reach his goal, he was assigned a coach. Sound familiar? Tariq Nasheed was the kid’s Made coach, and this is his book. The only difference is that if Igor was doing a cameo for the Made intro, instead of endless “I want to be…’s” followed by “I want to be made,” it would end: