The Drunk Life

Ever get a ticket for public urination? That shit sucks. First of all you get searched. Even if you are lucky enough not to get caught with a fake ID, a bag of weed or a cop’s finger in your ass, you’ll still likely get taken down to the station and processed. The worst part is you generally only find yourself peeing in public late at night when you’re drunk, but these assholes give you court at 8am the next morning.

Well my weak bladdered friend, you live in oppression no more. The German company KETS has released the Roadbag, a portable little pouch you carry around just in case of an emergency. Inside the bag is a special polymer powder that turns your urine into a gel on contact, and by gel I mean projectile.

Each Roadbag comes with a refresher pad attached to keep up the illusion than men wash their hands after taking a piss. The urine is dispensed into a “snug flexible orifice” making it double as the perfect nightcap after a depressing evening of unsuccessful pick-up attempts.

The Road bag can hold up to 700ml of your big, ropey jets of urine. It was originally designed for use by frustrated drivers during traffic jams. Generally speaking, if you drank enough to piss 700ml, you probably shouldn’t be driving.

It’s getting to be that time of year again. The temperatures are high, the shirt-cuts a low, and I’m getting slapped in the face daily. Yay summer! Consequently, as Vivica A. Fox told us in Two Can Play That Game, the warm weather marks the beginning of break-up season. Everyone’s outside, half-naked, and looking to have a good time. Pair that with the school year ending, people leaving their college bf/gf to return to their home bf/gf (who hopefully never checks your facebook pics,) and the general notion that summer lovin’ will have you a blast. What’s the result? Goodbye commitment, hello strange summer ass.

This transition brings up the important issue of break-up etiquette. When parting ways with a loved one, the ideal situation is to remain friends, keep in touch, and wish one another well. The real situation is burning remains, touching their friends, and wishing one another would go to hell. How can we avoid the immature high-school bullshit, and seamlessly transition from one partner to another?

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Whatever negative comments scenesters and hipsters might make about current SNL in relation to the old school stuff, they still do manage to bring in the biggest celebrities and write great material for them. Check out this instant classic sketch with Superbowl XLI MVP Peyton Manning doing charity for the United Way.

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This was the first video that really restored my faith in SNL. It’s perfect for The Drunk Life, as drinking and peeing go hand in hand… or actually, they each require one hand, preferably not the same one.

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There are a lot of ways to go through life. Some people choose to be cheap, hording change, skimping on tips and giving shitty Christmas presents. Others choose to be condescending, going through life with a silver spoon up their ass while other have to take the more conventional shaft-route. Then there are those who choose to whore their way through life, slutting it up at every opportunity in exchange for attention, money, and the metaphorical hug that daddy never gave.

Meet CollegeCallGirl, a female student who moved to NYC for college. She found herself, a small-town girl with little income, in one of the biggest and most expensive cities in the world. In order to solve her dilemmas of being lonely and broke, she took to craigslist and started meeting tricks for casual encounters. She’s enjoying the sex, using the money for college, and in traditional hipster fashion, writing in her blog about it.

If I wanted an older man to come over and spank me or a young stud to pretend to be my high school boyfriend, they were out there in the Internet ether. All I had to do was type in my requirements, hit publish, and start sifting through emails from hundreds of men available to come over and not only provide me with any sexual service I desired but pick up a six-pack on the way over.

Wowiee! Not only will men have sex with horny co-eds they find on the Internet, but they’ll bring beer too. Sex AND beer, could college get any better?

It was the dirty jolt of excitement that comes from spontaneous, uninhibited sex with someone you barely know. If I was doing it for fun, why couldn’t I do it for money?

Ahh yes, money. Sex, beer and money, some people really can have it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disparaging or degrading CampusCallGirl for whoring her way through life. Tons of people do it, she just happens to be rather good at it. What’s more is that she confesses to being slightly overweight and not overwhelmingly attractive. Sure, whoring your way through college would make for an amazing edition of my Unqualified Advice column, but what I’m really thinking is:

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

A lot of people think it’s cool to say that Saturday Night Live isn’t funny anymore. I tend to disagree. In fact, SNL is one of the hallmarks of my DVR list. The skits tend to be hit or miss, but when they’re funny, they are really funny (Dick in a Box anyone?) To that end, we’re going to be showcasing some of SNL’s greatest skits of the current generation.

College students routinely make bad decisions regarding their futures. These decisions include: habitualizing dangerous social activities, giving priority to the trivial aspects of their lives, and choosing to major in Communication. This video deals with another problem issue, Tattoos.

Besides, once you’re married that tramp stamp becomes false advertising… or does it?

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When a buddy of mine ordered a round of these Kaluah-look-alike shots at the bar, my natural sentiment was “What the shit is this?” Hoping my buddy was a little less metro than to order shots of Kaluah at a bar, I was relieved to hear my buddy respond: “Coffee Petrol.” Mmm, a sweet mix of caffeine and gasoline. I knew I must have miss-heard the name of the drink over the noise of the bar, but I thought what the fuck?

It tasted like a mix a Kaluah and Absolut Pepper. Being a fan of pepper and coffee I enjoyed it, and I assure you it’s actually not as gross as it sounds. It was unique, had a good aftertaste, and at 70 proof, you don’t feel like a pussy when you order it. After all, tequila is tequila. Come to find out my friend was saying Café Patrón, not coffee petrol, although mishearing him gave me a good idea of what to expect.

Drink: Patrón XO Café
Price: $20 for 750ml
Rating: Lowball (3/5)
Tastes Like: Pepper and Coffee

The Apple iPhone launches today, but before you run out to Cingular, AT&T, or whatever the fuck to pick yours up, you might want to watch this video. Apparently the future of technology isn’t the iPhone…

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, “Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I’ll go home.”

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