The Drunk Life

A young woman and her boyfriend have just recently gotten engaged. This evening the couple has been invited to her fiancée’s parents’ house for dinner. This is the woman’s first time meeting her future in-laws, and she is understandably nervous.At the dinner table, the woman is about halfway through her eggplant parmesan when she is suddenly overcome with a painful bloating sensation. She’s not sure if it’s the vegetables or the cheese to blame, but she is very aware of the haunting realization that if she makes a move for the toilet, she’ll surely shit herself.

Unsure of how to proceed, the woman puts down her fork and takes a little stretch break. She notices her future hubby immersed in a conversation with his parents about a new work promotion, and seizes the opportunity. She shifts her weight back in her chair, uncrosses her legs, and tries to slip out a small pocket of air to relieve some of the pressure on her inflated intestines. Unfortunately, her attempt at a silent fart does not go over so well, and when she recovers from the vibrations she realizes all conversation has ceased and that everyone is staring in her direction.

“Ralph!” The father shouts. “Come here.” She hears a defeated whimper from beneath her chair and looks down to see a small puppy with a red collar sporting the name “Ralph.” The dog doesn’t move. She breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to work on her eggplant parm.

A few bites later and she feels a rumbling in her bowels. She faintly lifts a thigh and tries to sneak another one by. Her fart is monstrous.

“God Dammit Ralph!”

The dog takes a puzzled look around the room and decides to stay put. The woman chuckles to herself and takes a second helping of food. As she cleans her plate that familiar feeling returns to her rectum. Feeling pretty confident, she leans forward and lets another one rip.

“For Christ’s sake Ralph, get out from there before she shits on you!”

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Public Service Announcements are some of the best unintentional comedy ever recorded. Whether they’re condemning pot, sex, or drinking, they’re always good for a chuckle, especially immediately before, during or after said activity.

Well as if real PSAs weren’t funny enough, some people go to the trouble of making parody PSAs, like the one you’ve just seen. If you want to see an example of a real PSA that’s a riot, check out the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the other week.

Find a funny Internet video? Send us a link!

With college graduations taking place all over the country this week, the following video from Barats & Bereta seemed only appropriate:

**A note: If you cannot see the videos on the site, please leave a comment and tell me what kind of browser you’re using. To view the video from it’s source, head here or visit the creator’s website. Barats & Bereta have some other funny stuff on there for ya.

Find a funny Internet video? Send us a link!

Today video is cool for a couple reasons. The most obvious is that it’s funny. But what’s really cool is that it’s the first time a series of videos proliferated on YouTube have been used as a viral marketing tool to sell a book. That’s right, this dude wrote a funny book, and then made funny YouTube commercials to sell it, and the results have been phenominal. Note to self, write a book/videotape self masturbating.

If you want to buy Chad Kultgen’s book, The Average American Male, it’s under $12 on Amazon. If you want to learn more about the book and the unique marketing process, there’s a site for that too.

Find a funny Internet video? Send us a link!

No, Igor is not easing racial tensions. Rather, Igor has gone dark in the sense of covert. His actions, endeavors and whereabouts are a mystery at present. For further explanation please observe the following picture:

We’re talking some James Bond shit, he’s like double O well… zero. No ladies yet. In fact, Igor is now blaming the website for his lack of success. Ain’t that some shit? I feel like you have to have had sex prior to a situation before you can accuse said situation of cock-blocking. So what is more than likely cock-blocking Igor? Igor.

Seriously though, Igor has stopped coming home, and generally avoided everyone and asked me not to divulge his plans until they reach failure or fruition. Obviously there will still be Igor updates, he just doesn’t want me scaring the chicks off. All one of them.

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.

If anyone hasn’t had a chance to check out The Whitest Kids U’ Know, there are new episodes Tuesday nights at 11pm on FUSE. You can check more or there shit out on their website. The show is hysterical, one of the funniest and bravest comedies to hit the airwaves since South Park. Don’t believe me, well fuck you then. But check these vids out, they might change your mind:

Find a funny Internet video? Send us a link!

This is Igor’s bedroom:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to make Igor understand that no self-respecting girl is going to have sex in a room that looks like that. Igor retorts that any girl who is going to fuck him is obviously devoid of self-respect to begin with. I have no rebuttal.

Regardless of the fact that Igor’s target demographic is overweight emo slores*, Igor decided to heed my advice. That’s right, Igor cleaned his room. I mean, if you’re going to get a disease from having sex, you don’t want it to be meningitis from a skanky matress.

*Slore (noun) - One who exhibits traits of both a slut and a whore, and deserves dual recognition as such.

ex. “Dude, do you think Jenna’s cute?”
“Yeah dude, go for it, but be sure to wrap it up; I hear she’s a pretty big slore.”

Yes, slores don’t usually care about their sexual environment, but even they deserve some reward for charity work. Check out Igor’s new slore-accommodating pad:

Now girls can feel confident that they wont acquire athlete’s foot, ringworm or hepatitis in exchange for the HIV they give Igor. I suppose a few posters, a television, some chairs and a computer would be nice, but one step at a time. Igor has been known to buy candles. When you smell like Igor, candles are clutch. Good job Igor, keep making improvements to your ’situation’ and you’ll have that V-Card validated in no time.

Speaking of self-improvement, Igor has a new reading assignment:

Igor has been reading The Layguide by Tony Click, which claims to teach readers “how to seduce women more beautiful than you ever dreamed possible, no matter what you look like or how much you make.” Well that’s a lot to offer, but we’re not asking for all that. At this point Igor would settle for anyone with a wet hole and a pulse. I don’t know how good the book is, because I haven’t read it. I suppose like the rest of the world I was too busy actually having sex. Regardless, let’s hope it works for Igor.

Rumor has it that Igor has a couple ladies in the work for this weekend. Only time will tell if anything comes of it, but for now the quest continues…

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.

When you’re busy chasing tail, it’s easy to get tired. This week’s invention is designed to get you perked up while at the bar. Most bars suck, and therefore don’t serve Mountain Dew; so bring a closed bottle to the door and if the bouncer says you can’t bring that in, tell him it’s closed and you’ll show him the greatest drink of the world (or this week.) With a combination of sweet dew and bitter gin, this makes for an amazing summer time treat.

The Ingredients: one part dew, one part gin (let’s not get picky).

Directions: Add gin, dew, and ice.

Commence drinking!

The name: Mountain Gin aka Dew & Gin aka GinDew (for the religious)

This week’s video is a classic. Some have you might have seen it before, but it’s so good that it deserves a revisit. Enjoy

If you have an idea for an Internet video to be featured on Funny Film Fridays, please contact The Drunk Life here.

I believe it was 5th grade recess when I first learned the steps that would govern opposite sex interactions for the rest of my hormonally charged life. You know what I’m talking about, the bases:

1. French
2. Feel
3. Finger
4. Fuck
5. Fist

Ok, just kidding about that last one. Regardless, the first step is the French kiss, then copping a feel (breasts/ass.) For most of us, this is pretty much where we stayed until high school, stuck playing shortstop. If you’re a guy and you lost in when you were like 13, I guess that’s cool. If you lost it to a hot teacher, then it’s definitely cool (unless it was a dude.) If you’re a girl and you lost it at 13, take that info to the grave with you.

Now, when most people think of virginity, they envision the pre-pussy purgatory that lies between the subtle squeezes of second base and the tangy taste of third. Apparently KFC isn’t the only place that has finger-licking-good chick-n-box.

In my experiences, most girls loose their virginity between 15-17, while for guys it’s usually 16-18. Once that third base is rounded, home is in sight. Occasionally couples get held up on the transition for 3rd to home, but the reason is usually retarded, religion, or the rectum. Otherwise, the next stop for the beef bus is downtown tuna town.

What’s strange in Igor’s case is that it seems he never really got up to bat. If you look back to the 2nd week of Igor’s V-Card Chronicles, you’ll see that he French kissed a girl in 8th grade, and felt one up in 9th. A little behind the schedule, but on track none the less. Then Igor fell off course. No one is really sure what might have happened, but rumors of compulsive masturbation and collectable card games cast a shameful shadow over Igor’s wilting wiener.

That is why today I come to you with MONUMENTAL news. Igor is on the path to success. We knew he cleaned himself up, got some nice clothes, and started working out. This could be interpreted as buying a baseball jersey, wiping the dust (and chafed skin) off his bat, and joining a team. Then he started talking to girls, which is like going to games, riding the bench, and occasionally getting an at-bat… only to inevitably strike out. But every dog has his day, and judging for the following picture, maybe Igor’s not gay.

A base hit! A base hit! Unfortunately, this chick facebooked Igor and found out about his quest. For some odd reason, she’s not into cherry poppin’. Never the less, we’re all very proud of Igor; and if his smile is any indication, he’s pretty proud of himself. Next stop nipples!

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.