The Drunk Life

Q: What’s the difference between a Priest and a Pimple?

A: Pimples wait until you’re 13 before they come on your face.

Want to see your joke here? Send it in!

Happy 420 from The Drunk Life!! In honor of the holiday, this week’s videos are drug-related. The first is a parody of anti-drug public service announcements, which are in and of themselves some of the best unintentional comedy ever recorded. I think a DVD of every anti-drug commercial from the 80’s and 90’s would make for and awesome stoner movie. There are so many classics:

• The little girl who falls in the pool. If you’re 5 years old, don’t get high and go swimming.
• The lonely grandma. She sits alone at a fully set table, knife and fork in hand. Her birthday cake is amassed with candles burning away as she waits patiently for a grandson who isn’t coming.
• The kid who apparently got high, drove his car, and killed another boy. The moral of the story is that a year after marijuana-induced vehicular homicide you can still be out of jail, driving a Lexus, and have a hot girlfriend.
• This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Egg meets frying pan
• And the all time best, girl gets high, falls asleep on couch. Boy moves over and started kneading her bosoms like pizza dough.

Then there’s this…

Find a funny Internet Video? Send us a link.

Igor hung out with a hot girl! Igor turned down some dirty pussy! Igor joined facebook! Igor is VD free! What’s the problem ladies? That’s right, all of these positive qualities are recent realizations about Igor’s bachelor status.

Just last weekend, Igor invited a girl over after the bar to “hang out and eat pizza.” Unfortunately, there must have been something wrong with the girl’s mental process. All she wanted to do was hang out and eat pizza! What the fuck?

What makes the above story more tragic is that Igor turned down a bar-skank to hang out with pizza girl. Said bar-skank approached Igor at the bar, and told him she was looking for some no-strings-attached sex. That was good. Her favorite topic of conversation? This was her first night out since having a miscarriage two weeks ago. That was not so good. Due to this girl’s revolting sexual honesty, poor physical appearance, and questionable vaginal health, Igor headed for greener pastures. [Green Pastures Green Pussy ]

Igor became a part of the facebook phenomenon just a few short days ago. There is a group devoted to helping Igor lose his virginity. It’s been up for 3 days and we already have 85 members. Log on and show your support for Igor! You can even befriend him if you like.

Igor made his debut in the octagon! That’s right, there has been a long standing tradition in our house to have Kumates. A Kumate is a UFC style fight to the death. In order to make these more fun and less deadly, there is no striking, no pins, and no refusing a challenge. You gotta make your opponent tap. I don’t know why it took this long, but I finally had the foresight to videotape these misguided episodes of lovemaking. During the battle, Igor began to bleed. This brought up the AIDS question…

Igor can’t have any STDs, because he’s never had sex. That’s right ladies, unless Igor rubbed his dick on a gas station toilet, he is VD free!

For those of you who want to see Igor getting his ass kicked, the video will be posted within the next couple days. It’s about 12 minutes long, and extremely troubling. There is a sweet power-bomb, and some humorous commentary by yours truely.

With Igor’s new found fame, it has become important for him to be able to discern between chicks, hoes, and chicken-heads. That’s why Igor’s newest reading assignment is Tariq “King Flex” Nasheed’s The Mack Within. There was an episode of MTV’s Made, where a chubby awkward young lad wanted to be made into a ladies man. In order to help him reach his goal, he was assigned a coach. Sound familiar? Tariq Nasheed was the kid’s Made coach, and this is his book. The only difference is that if Igor was doing a cameo for the Made intro, instead of endless “I want to be…’s” followed by “I want to be made,” it would end:

“I want to be laid.”

Just a funny aside note, when we were at the bar, a hot girl turned to Igor and asked:

“Why do you let them call you Igor?”

To which he replied:

“Because that’s my name.”

Poor Igor, ain’t that some shit? Til next week.

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please email a picture to james@thedrunklife.com and write a short paragraph explaining why.

Q: What’s blue and yellow and eats nuts?

A: Gonorrhea

Want to see your joke here? Send it in!

In honor of Entourage making it’s way back onto the air-waves (HBO Sundays at 10pm,) it seemed only fitting to devote this week’s video to the show. Enter Ari Gold, one of the most entertaining characters of our generation. If you don’t watch Entourage, maybe now you’ll fork over the 14$ a month for HBO. If you do, then enjoy the nostalgia from last season. If you’re pregaming for happy hour, take a shot every time Ari says something offensive. Good luck making it to the bar.

Watch more Drunk Life videos!

Find a funny Internet video? Send us a link!

It appears that things are really starting to turn around for Igor! When the project first began, Igor was poorly dressed, out of shape, and working one day a week at a candle kiosque. Most of Igor’s days were spent sleeping away in his own filth like a common swine, but no more!

Igor now has a full time job. Check out his work threads (pictured left.) He actually makes $10.25/hr, the most money out of everyone in the apartment. He also works one day a week at a massage kiosque, which is slightly more heterosexual than the candle kiosque. Most importantly, Igor has been making progress with the ladies. Just the other day, while peddling massage products, Igor obtained a girl’s phone number. In fact, Igor has had several female suiters this week. He was forced to pass on another mall-cutie because she was below the age of consent, a chick at the gym said she’d bang Igor out in the tanning booth if she wasn’t engaged, and someone voted on the Igor poll that his quest will end when she has sex with Igor.

The willing sexual participant is pictured to the right; her comments surrounding the vote are displayed below. Her screen name has been altered to protect her anonymity.

So, no pussy for Igor. What a shocker. The polls are still open though. On the bright side, Igor has learned how to read. In order to speed up the development of Igor’s social skills, he now has continual reading assignments. I am glad to report that Igor has finished his first book, The Game by Neil Strauss.
The book is essentially a collection of all the skills about dating that men need in order to combat the crap girls learn from Sex and the City, “romantic comedies” (oxymoron?) and mindless WB programming. The Game chronicles the author’s journey from an “average frustrated chump” into a “pick-up artist.” Well, if there ever was an average frustrated chump, it’s Igor. That made The Game a perfect selection for his first reading assignment. If you’re a chump also, the book is available on Amazon. If you have a book that might help Igor touch a vagina, feel free to leave a comment. Til next week, cross your fingers for our chump.

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.

Many people refer to Wednesday as “Hump Day” because it’s smack dab in the middle of the week. Once you get over the Wednesday hump, the weekend is right around the corner. To assist you in your humping, every Wednesday TheDrunkLife brings you a new joke to help you keep your mid-week sanity. Here’s this week’s joke:

A man gets a phone call telling him that his wife has just been hospitalized following a terrible car accident. Over the phone, the doctor tells the man that his wife is currently in critical condition, but is expected to live through the ordeal. He goes on to tell the man to get to the hospital as quickly as possible.

The man arrives at the hospital shortly thereafter. He immediately runs toward his wife’s room, but he bumps into her doctor in the hallway.

Man: “How is she Doc?”

Doctor: “Well I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that although she is going to live, she’s not going to regain her pervious level of functioning. She’s going to be completely paralyzed and consequently confined to a wheelchair. You’re going to have to wheel her everywhere she needs to go, feed her, dress her, and bath her. She won’t be able to go to the bathroom on her own either, you’re going to have to help her get on the toilet and then help her clean up afterwards.”

Man: “Oh my God, that’s terrible. What is the good news?”

Doctor: “I’m just kidding, she’s dead.”

That’s terrible, I know, but whatever, it’s funny.

Want to see your joke here? Send it in!

It’s the third week of Funny Film Fridays and the laughs keep coming. This week’s video comes to us from the last season of Mad TV. Not only is this video funny, but it’s educational. Some people are dirty. Next time you convince a complete stranger to go home with you, remember to use a condom before you congratulate yourself. That is, unless you like peeing broken glass.

I hope you enjoyed this weeks film, but not because you could relate to it Like always, if you have an idea for a Internet video to be featured on Funny Film Fridays, please e-mail a link to james@thedrunklife.com.

Igor Updates have proved to be one of the most popular features here on The Drunk Life. For that reason, I wouldn’t let a little thing like spring break get in the way of laughing at another’s sexual misfortune. You can thank me later.

After the last two weeks’ pictures, a lot of people have been asking if Igor has any other shirts to wear. Well, after a little trip to the mall I’m pleased to announce that Igor is well on his way to having a clean shirt for almost every day of the week! Check out his new threads. C’mon ladies, you know you wanna hit that.

In the first Igor Update, Meet Igor: The Patented Pussy Repellent, I posed three possible outcomes of Igor’s quest for cooter. These expectations were that Igor would eventually:

• A) gets laid by a girl
• B) come out of the closet
• or C) slits his wrists in our bathtub

What I didn’t expect was the surge of verbal voting that followed. Apparently, everyone thinks Igor’s best chance at sex is with Keith (pictured left,) with or without his consent. Since so many people who know Igor believe that option B is the front-runner, I’ve decided to open an official poll. You should see it on the top right-hand side of your screen.

*UPDATE:  The poll was taken down as a result of prevailent voter fraud.

In the mean time, we’ve taken to the streets, interviewing local girls about Igor’s pussy probability.

The Drunk Life - Would you ever have sex with Igor?

Myranda - ::gasps for oxygen over uncontrollable laughter:: No.

Since she was clearly astounded by the notion, we decided to sweeten the pot.

TDL - What if you could have any car you wanted, and all you had to do was have sex with Igor?

Myranda - No.

Well, maybe she has unreasonable standards, so we took our question to the other drunk girl in our kitchen.

TDL - If you could have any car in the world, if you had sex with igor, would you?

Lauren - Any kind of car?

That’s a buyer’s question! We’ll take it. She’d do it for a Lamborghini; there is hope.

As always, if anyone would like to meet Igor, please contact me here.

That’s right kids, you’re reading this while I’m living it up in sunny Cancun. If you’re not jealous yet, I’ve included a picture of where I’m staying. Eat it Vagina

That being said, there will still be an Igor Update this Thursday and a new video on Funny Film Friday. Don’t ask how I did this; I’m amazing. Standard random updates will start back up next Tuesday. In the mean time, there are some things I could use reader input on:

I need more ideas for themed weekly updates. Thursday Igor Updates and Funny Film Fridays are great, but there are five more days in the week. Here are some ideas I’ve been toying around with:
• Monday Morning Memoirs: Readers submit their funny stories from the weekend. Monday morning the best one gets displayed front-and-center on The Drunk Life.
• Hump Jokes: Every Wednesday (Hump Day) a new joke is posted. Jokes would come from readers, or my personal collection.
• Sexy Sundays: Sort of a “babe of the week” type feature on Sundays. There would be a hot chick, a few words, and a bunch of pictures. I’m a little skeptical about this one, because for some strange-but-sweet reason a lot of my readers are girls.
• Book Ideas: I was recently contacted by publishers from National Lampoons about the possibility of writing a book for them. That’s right, the people who brought you Van Wilder think I might have what it takes to write for them. They told me their publishers love books with funny and clever titles, and a theme that allows for a lot of punch lines. Every chapter title needs to make the reader laugh and want to read it. The only idea I have at the moment would be a collection of my columns, extensively edited, reworked, and paired with tons of unreleased stuff. Something along the lines of Unqualified Advice: A guide to getting 4.0 grades, 10.0 girls, and a near-lethal B.A.C. I just pulled that out of my ass and I know it’s not that funny. It doesn’t need to be related to the column; I just need some ideas to work from.

If you have any funny weekend stories, jokes, hot babes or book ideas, shoot me an e-mail. I expect to return from Spring Break to a full inbox. Until then, I’ll be drinking a Corona for each and every one of you. Cheers!