5 Ways Sports Teach Us to Kick More Ass
This year’s Super Bowl was awesome. The Super Bowl is always awesome. Why is this? Because it’s a sport. A competitive sport. Deeply entrenched in human nature is a desire to fight, to strive, to overcome. From an early age, all people dream of growing up and kicking ass. Some people dream of being a pirate, a ninja, or even a tiger. Some dream of being a part-man, part-tiger, pirate-ninja. Whatever our dreams, we all wanna kick some ass. Sadly, too many people grow up to be security guards, nurses and politicians. These people rarely get the opportunity to make collisions of a podiatry-gluteus nature.
This depressing reality is the reason every red-blooded American (and the occasional British kid with a green card) comes together once a year to watch professional steroid-infused ass-kickers earn their million dollar contracts. But what do we do once the Super Bowl is over, and the ass-kicking spirit within us has been awakened, but it’s time to go back to daily life? There are two options. You could wait for next year’s Super Bowl, which would involve good temperament and patience (ass-kicking’s mortal enemies.) Or you could take all that sports teach us, and learn to kick life in the ass on a daily basis. An ass-kicker always chooses option B.
Five Ways to Kick More Ass:
- When a coworker, fellow student, or business partner overcomes adversity and completes a difficult task, don’t offer up last year’s timid hank-shake. Show them your appreciation by pouring the nearest mass of liquid over their head. Common options are coffee, clam chowder, or Gatorade. Electrolytes kick ass.
- Take a frisbee and chuck it at your cat. If the cat fails to catch the frisbee and return it to you, stop feeding your cat. Take the money you save and buy a Dog. Dogs kick ass.
- Showboat. If you do something great, show it off. Modestly is for mediocre accomplishments. Anyone displaying honor student bumper stickers, participation certificates, or medals for anything other than first place is a second-class citizen and should be treated as such. For the rest of us ass kickers, it’s important to tell the world of our accomplishments. If you score higher on a test than a fellow student, autograph your paper, crumple it into a ball, set it on fire, and them proceed to dunk it down the back of your classmate’s shirt NBA Jam style. NBA Jam kicks ass.
- Athletes do not “slap fives.” A high five is to ass-kicking as Steven Hawkings is to ass-kicking. God Awful. Notice how football players acknowledge each other with a firm smack of the lower backside curve. Next time you see a buddy, break ‘em off with a firm slap to the backside.
- Wear iceskates as Mittens.
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