The Degeneration of the Modern Pirate
The modern pirate is a crude and castrated excuse for the legendary pirates of the imperial era. I wish that by some miracle of time-travel, a badass, bearded, pillaging pirate could meet with the snot-nosed, napstering, sissy pirates of today. The resultant beat down would be akin to George Bush hog-tied at a PETA piñata party.
Nationwide attention has been given to 16-year-old modern pirate from White Plains, N.Y., who goes by the name of Robert Santangelo. Santangelo has never looted a village, wiped out an endangered species, or conquered a sensuous woman with his un-bathed, manly, pheromoneous odor. Rather, Santangelo’s pirate booty consists of mp3s files admittedly ripped form his sister’s CD collection. Santangelo is countersuing five record companies claiming that they violated anti-trust laws, failed to warn him of the illegality of peer-to-peer (p2p) file sharing, and that their original lawsuit has distracted him from his school work.
Apparently this is the first time someone has opted to take a definative stance against the record companies instead of settling. If Santangelo had a single solitary ounce of pirate-blood flowing through his veins, his idea of not settling would have been severing the industry executives’ legs at the kneecap and feeding the remnants to a ticking crocodile. If there is still a doubt that Santangelo fails to meet adequate piracy standards, please refer to the following comparison graph:
Pirate. Santangelo.
- Alias:
- Title Origin:
- Memories of music:
- Battle Cry:
- Hidden Treasure:
- Laws broken:
- Impact on future generations:
Captain cunilingus.
Bobby.
Pie meets Irate; someone’s getting smashed in the face.
San Francisco, Tanning, and Gelatin; not a manly combination.
Blood-curdling screams of vanquished enemies.
Jock Jams.
“ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!”
“ARRRRRRRREEEEEEE you gonna be my lover?”
Heart of dire nemesis, ripped out and hidden under bedrock. (Still beating.)
pp.7-12 of Issue#147 of Hustler Magazine, ripped out and hidden under bed. (Still beating.)
All, never caught or punished.
Copyright & curfew, cried both times.
Sexual Prowess well documented.
Waiting for Junior Prom.
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