The Drunk Life

It’s getting to be that time of year again. The temperatures are high, the shirt-cuts a low, and I’m getting slapped in the face daily. Yay summer! Consequently, as Vivica A. Fox told us in Two Can Play That Game, the warm weather marks the beginning of break-up season. Everyone’s outside, half-naked, and looking to have a good time. Pair that with the school year ending, people leaving their college bf/gf to return to their home bf/gf (who hopefully never checks your facebook pics,) and the general notion that summer lovin’ will have you a blast. What’s the result? Goodbye commitment, hello strange summer ass.

This transition brings up the important issue of break-up etiquette. When parting ways with a loved one, the ideal situation is to remain friends, keep in touch, and wish one another well. The real situation is burning remains, touching their friends, and wishing one another would go to hell. How can we avoid the immature high-school bullshit, and seamlessly transition from one partner to another?

#1. No Revenge Fucks – Sure, nothing says “sucks to be you” like getting gang-slammed by your ex-boyfriend’s roommates. The poor kid will have lost not only their significant-other relationship, but also several friendships. It’s the ultimate nail in the coffin. For guys, it’s the quality, not quantity of people that defines a good revenge fuck. See, guys like their friends, but we really don’t give a shit. We don’t call each other to talk, we don’t watch Sex and the City together when we’re sad, and we don’t cry when we miss each other. If a friend backstabs us, we simply kick the shit out of them and move on with life. That’s why the girl’s attack is all about numbers.

Girls genuinely care about their friends. Sure, men have “bros b4 hoes,” but it’s got nothing on “143 Girls!” In order to properly use the revenge fuck against an ex-girlfriend, all a guy has to do is bang one best friend, roommate, or family member (sisters are 1 point, mothers are 3, dad is 10 but eww.) If the quantity rises, the damage just grows exponentially.

That being said, why the fuck do people do this to one another? I can understand wanting revenge if you got royally fucked over, but will that really make you happy? No, because if you got royally fucked over in a relationship, you’re going to be hurt, and that’s just the way it is. Making your situation more fucked up will only make you feel worse when you compare the current situation to the “perfect relationship” it used to be. Ever hear “living well is the best revenge?” Well when it comes to relationships, “dating someone hotter than your ex is the best revenge.” Move on, love again, no revenge fucks.

#2. No Take Backs – Just like your ex can’t take back having sex with “some fucking slut/one of ‘those’ guys,” you cannot take back any gifts you gave them. Forget high school, this is some pre-school bullshit. Oh, you want back the diamond necklace you gave your girlfriend last Christmas? Too fucking bad! She had to swallow your seamen to subconsciously motivate you to fall in love with her and buy her said necklace; she earned it.

There are no exceptions; class rings, engagement rings (you guys a fucking nuts) and other personal relics remain with those whom they have been given to. That’s why they were so meaningful to begin with, because they are one-of-a-kind, and you wanted that person to have it. When you start re-gifting these external parts of yourself, they lose their significance. In the spirit of mutual respect, leave said items where they belong; in the memory box of the person you gave them to. Let go guys, onward to new boxes.

#3. No Trash Talk – Telling your friends that “Timmy has a small dick” or “Jenny’s a corpse in the sack” damages your reputation just as much as your ex’s. People know you dated them, so if something was pathetic about them, remember that you were pathetic enough to stay with them. Adhering to this rule only becomes more important as the audience for your trash talk gets closer to home.

In a healthy relationship, you become a part of each other’s family, and grow to be friends with their friends. Over the years you make memories with these people. It sucks that, in order to create space and help each other move on, you can no longer see these people. It’s a sacrifice a former couple makes for each other, born from the unselfish desire for someone you cared about to be happy, even if it’s not with you. You already lost a future with these people, don’t tarnish the past. Doesn’t everyone want to look back and think, “I was happy then, and I’m happy now?”

#4. No Stalking – I’m appalled at the frequency with which people will steal their ex’s passwords and identity. You know what it says about you when you are listening to your ex’s voicemail, “updating” their facebook (your interests are “the cock” and you loooovve project runway) and hijacking their MySpace? It says you’re pathetic, and that you can’t…

#5. Let Go – You have to let go of the past if you ever want to be happy in the future. See what happens is that you get accustomed to being with someone, and then you associate them with happiness, and then you don’t know how to be happy without them. You can’t just feel the way you felt before you met them, and you start to get frustrated and wish that you never met them at all.

This is illogical. You need to wrap your brain around the fact that not only do all good things come to an end, but that good things ending is a good thing. That might seem hard to understand, but the good experiences in your life have to end in order to open the door for new good things to happen. If you never broke up with “the love of your life” then you’d never be open to meeting the person who blows them out of the water. It’s the same as if a blowjob never ended, when would you go make me a sandwich?

I’m not saying that the new things will be better, but they won’t be worse either, just different. It’s very hard to compare subjective feeling of happiness, but we can all understand that the variety of experiences we have in this world are the point of us being here. To echo the familiar words Pink Floyd:

All you touch and all you see, is all you life will ever be.

So relax, let go, and trust that the future will hold plenty more pleasure for you, just as the past has. Go see, and go touch. Can’t go wrong with touching.

Breaking any of these rules means one thing. You still care. If you still care, you lose. The opposite of love is not hate; it’s apathy. I swear I didn’t get that last quote from Desperate Housewives.

Move on, let go, and be good to one another. The suns out, the bottle’s calling, and it’s time to have yourself a blast.

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