It’s Called a Blowjob because there’s a Work Ethic
“You know what the best part of falling in love is? It’s the Oral Sex.” ~Mark Hoppus.
Anyone who has ever been in love knows this to be true. Being in a relationship with someone allows you to learn the intricacies of each other’s bodies, and cater your techniques to please each other in ways you never thought possible. Another reason relationship-oral is better is because you don’t have to use protection. Getting head with a condom on would be like trying to read this column with your eyes closed.
Now it may seem irresponsible to promote unprotected sexual activity, but the reality is that people rarely use condoms for oral sex. In a relationship, people generally know their lover’s history. If you’re both clean, she’s on the pill, and neither of you are Republican; you don’t need condoms. This being the case, it’s important to make sure your partner stays faithful. Frequent, well-performed oral sex is a good way to keep someone satisfied. You can also drop subtle hints like: “When my last boyfriend cheated on me I went down on him and used my teeth,” or “When my last girlfriend cheated on me I napalmed her cat.”
A lot of guys think the best head comes from sluts. This is simply not the case. Since it’s a blowjob, you want to give the assignment to a candidate with a good work ethic. Pretend you’re the head of a firm, would you want to hire a secretary who’s resume shows she has had extensive work experience, held many positions, and came together with people from diverse backgrounds, if she had never really advanced up a company ladder? No. She would probably loosely fit the company, do routine work on your staff for a while, and then leave. Sure, you wouldn’t owe her a pension, but what did she really do for business that you couldn’t have done better yourself?
You want to hire young, bright-eyed and ambitious types. The ones, who may have only had a couple previous employers, but were with them for a long time. These dedicated and confident women seek a workplace where they can utilize and develop their talents. These are the interns who work their way up to partner. Once they achieve partner status they use creative techniques to ensure your stock constantly rises and produces steady returns.
At first, it may be extremely hard for them to gain entry with your company, but after a few pushes in the appropriate direction they will adapt to be a perfect fit. After a few weeks of working on your staff, these ladies will be bending over backwards to accommodate you. Rather than letting loads of work land in your hands, this caliber of girl will make it disappear with a smile. Pretty soon you’re spending all your newfound free time in her workspace, pirating her software and admiring how with a few clicks of her mouse you can bypass the restrictions on all three of her inboxes.
This may seem sexist, but rest assured that these principles of selection can be turned around and applied by the discriminate woman. When your two favorite interests are women and brain, you eventually learn to pick the latter of the former. Ladies, which men you let take you out to eat will directly influence how much you enjoy the dining experience.
The Latin man speaking in tongues on the dance floor may seem like he could munch a rug as well as he can cut one, but chances are a night of salsa with him will leave you with a guacamole aftertaste more commonly referred to as gonorrhea. Likewise, Joe Blow-out frat guy can probably fumble his way into your oyster bed, but has never found a pearl in his life. The sad reality is that none of these douche-bags will excavate your crevasse with the preparation, patience and persistence of the old boyfriend from home you’re still in a facebook relationship with and pretend not to cheat on. So ladies, if you want your poon polished properly, you need to give your time, love and labia to someone who appreciates and values them.
It comes down to this: If you’re spending more time wondering about the sexual history of your partner than you are wondering what you’ll have to do in order to make them bite through their pillowcase, you probably shouldn’t be going down on them. Guys, you can’t heal an axe wound if every weekend someone else rips the scab off. And girls, sperm aren’t like Pokemon. Just because they both come from balls doesn’t mean you have to catch them all.
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