Steak and Blowjob Day 2007
As many of you might know, March 14th is officially Steak & Blowjob day. For those of you unfamiliar with the holiday, check out the article I wrote last year. This is basically how it works: the girl who a man spent Valentines Day with cooks him a steak and gives him a blowjob. The steak should be cooked to his preference, but the blowjob must be well done. Under no circumstance may anyone receive a card.
Now guys, if you spent Valentines Day in any other fashion than your face engulfed in vagina, our beloved holiday might be a tough sell to your companion. Many women have developed irrational views related toward oral sex, such as “blowjobs are degrading,” “I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex,” and “Let’s take our power back, starting with the word “cunt!”” These views are the fault of man. If we ate more pussy, and did a better job of it, then women wouldn’t have misconceived notions about oral sex. Any girl who thinks she doesn’t enjoy oral has never been with a cunning linguistic expert such as myself.
When women find fault with the way letters are combined, they are trying to tell you something: “Take your tongue, go down on my cunt (but don’t call it that,) and start licking your way through the alphabet.” Good clam digging is as easy as doing your A,B,C’s (but that’s a whole other article for another day.) If you can’t eat pussy, Google that shit! Buy a Karma Sutra book, do whatever it takes. Get it right and she’ll be George Foreman Grilling you steak from her knees in no time.
The one other oral sex tip I will give is ice cubes. Use them. Make your girl a relatively strong drink, then take an ice cube, and place it in her mouth. Then kiss her, and steal the ice cube in your mouth. Run it slowly down her neck to her chest, then over and around each nipple. Then down one side of her rib cage to her navel. From here it’s all feeling. Just follow her cues, use several cubes, hit both ears, her neck, the panty line, and the inner thigh. You wanna wait until she’s about ready to grab you by the hair and suffocate you with her kegel muscles before you go for the gold on mission popsicle.
Deep down all women want their cooters cleaned. This fact is evidenced by their buddy info. Just look at the typical girls’ AIM profile, and you’ll notice the following formula: location, Grey’s Anatomy quote, random cliché quote, shout-out to her girls. Let’s analyze. Location: “State Quad 103 Bitches” or “1702 Dutch What? What?” This really means, “Hey man of my dreams, come find me.” Grey’s quote: often by reading a quote you can tell it’s from Grey’s without ever having watched the show. They are nothing more than a mix of meaningless woman jargon that translates into “Like Miss Grey, I long to have my anatomy carefully examined with the meticulous care of a medical professional.” Random cliché quote: “Life is measured not by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away,” equals “I like orgasms, and lots of them please. Seriously, it’s been awhile.” Shout-out: “143 girls!” or “Luv ma fiNe aS$ HoEz.” What a surprise, women are the only people notorious for knowing how to eat pussy.
So it seems a meal at the taco stand is your ticket to the steak dinner of your dreams. To that end, you should aim to dine at a finer establishment, which serves its Mexican fare free of cheese, salsa, and sour cream. No food-court, Taco Bell vagina. Do not go down on girls you’re not dating. Yeah, it is a double standard, but did you know that after unprotected sex sperm stay swimming around down there for up to five days? Imagine this: you get really drunk, 69 some skank, and then die from alcohol poisoning because you’re a pussy and can’t hold your liquor. The hospital does an autopsy and gives the results to your parents, which show that at the time of your death you had three other men’s seamen in your stomach. Your parents now remember you as a promiscuous closet-homosexual who drank excessively to cope with the realization of his sexual preference. Pick your girls well; you’re not trying to win her over for KFC Chicken-head Day.
So kids, I implore you, go off and go down on each other. But as we learned, be discriminate. As Valentine’s Day is a holiday for lovers, so too is Steak and Blowjob Day. As we will learn next week, the best oral sex comes from devoted partners. If you celebrate the holiday with someone who’s not completely enamored with you, you’re going to receive the handjob-and-headbob. This lazy excuse for a blowjob is the hallmark of a stale, worthless relationship. The best way to get a woman to fall head over heels for you is to get your head between her heels. More pleasure, lower risk of disease, and not wanting another dudes jizz in your mouth should be plenty of reason not to try and celebrate SBJ Day with some slut. And ladies, it is fair to expect the box licking you are owed from last month before you make any steak purchases. Also, make sure your guy is clean; St. Patrick’s Day is the only March holiday you should celebrate by sucking down liquid that’s green and frothy.
Related Content
