Top 10 Posters No College Dorm Should Be Without

August 26, 2008 @ 9:49 am · Filed under Unqualified Advice

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The shops are amass with binders, book-bags, and signs covered in pictures of other people’s children. Back to school, BOGO, and mail-in rebate scams are everywhere. This can only mean one thing: It’s time to start planning for another year of Adderall, alcohol, and anonymous sex. Yay, College!

For a new year at school you’re going to need some new furniture, a beer-bong, and some posters. Without posters, how would you cover the holes you make in the walls? Or stop asbestos from falling off the shitty dorm ceiling onto you while you sleep? Start this semester off right by making sure your pad is perfectly pimped.

#10 - Teamwork Poster: If there’s one thing that you learn in college, it’s that friends is huge. Ten years down the line you won’t remember your classes, your exams, or anything you “learned.” What you’re going to remember is getting drunk with your friends. Maybe not all the specifics (that’s what photos and pizza stained clothing are for,) but that it generally happened and it was fun. There may be no I in drunk, but there is damn sure a U in it.

#9 - Hot Chicks Making Out: Want to know how I know you’re gay? Because you have a Coldplay poster above your bed. Let the girls know you have a pulse and a libido; get some T&A on your walls! Besides, after college it’s going to be considered creepy to have naked chicks all over your walls unless you’re a photographer or something… and photographers are the creepiest people on earth. And girls, nothing makes a guy want you more than the idea that you might be into girls too. Even if you’re not about to have a threesome, knowing you love Brooke Burke’s Ass as much as I do makes me feel more comfortable. Put up some hot chicks, your guy will like you better.

#8 - Generic Interest Poster: If you’re a guy, you’re expected to love Scarface, irregardless of whether you’ve ever actually fired a weapon, done blow, or much less killed someone. For girls, it’s always important to promote the “I’m more than a vagina” campaign. Show that you’re a deep and intelligent individual by putting up the same few select art posters that are plastered across every college quad nationwide.

#7 - Bob Marley Tribute: Nothing says “I spend my book money on weed” like a giant poster of Bob Marley. After college, pot will hopefully no longer be your breakfast of choice, so live it up now. Make sure everyone knows who’s door to knock on before they go to smoke up with this international sign of the stoner. In an emergency situation, poster can be taken off wall and rolled up to block smoke from escaping under your door, or used as a giant rolling paper.

#6 - The Kramer: Pay homage to Seinfeld, the best television sitcom ever to grace the airwaves, with this classic portrait. You can always identify the underage girls in the club by making a reference to any well-known Seinfeldism. If they don’t know what it means to “be master of your domain” then you can be assured that their either a 90’s baby, or just dumb as shit. Either way, perfect!

*Note: Stay away from George’s “Timeless Art of Seduction” Portrait

#5 - Cleverly Disguised Nudity: Nudity all over the common area, suite and living room is all well and good, but you don’t want anything in your room to be a deal breaker. If there are too many perfect air-brushed asses in your room, real-life hot girls might feel too uncomfortable to freak between the sheets. Take it from someone who learned the hard way, keep any hot babe nudity in your bedroom cleverly disguised, like this awesome Pink Floyd ass gallery. For unattractive girls, this rule does not apply. It gives brave guys something to look at while they bite the bullet and rail you. Consider it a common courtesy.

#4 - Goals Clearly Posted: It’s always important to remember where you’re headed. With an Entourage poster guys can keep in mind why they majored in something as boring as finance, business or accounting. To someday have money, a nice car, and a hot girlfriend or two. Signing up for theater and befriending the talented kids would be another option. And then for the ladies, we have The Girls Next Door. Most girls would rather not share a man, but all girls seem to have their price. It’s sad to see girls go to college to make their parents happy and bolster their fledging self-esteem, when they’re really just hunting for a husband. After girls land a lifetime meal-ticket, they can do all the naughty fun things their little hearts desire while he’s at work. This is especially sad from the viewpoint of a college guy with no money or stable career ambition… I digress.

30 Reasons a beer is better than a woman

#3 - Reminder of Priorities: With so many classes, careers and companions to choose from, it can be hard to remember what’s really important. Beer. Don’t ever let yourself forget that. The liver is evil and must be destroyed. Keep on top of things with one of the many posters depicting how beer doesn’t make you study it, expect you to get up before noon, or cheat on you with “one of those guys” (or “some fucking slut.”)

#2 - Heroes Are Made One Cup At A Time: And don’t you ever forget it. Quickly replacing baseball as America’s favorite past time, beer pong is the central attraction for all celebrations, parties and gatherings that don’t involve strippers. You want to impress a girl, ask her if she’ll play some pong with you. Want to remind your boyfriend that he’s whipped? School him in beer pong in front of all his friends. Beer pong brings people together, raises the level of excitement in the air, and gets people drunk and talking to one another. Drunk, excited, and talking is generally one slice of shitty pizza away from guaranteed ass. Let the balls loose and score.

#1 - This is College: A John Belushi poster in a college dorm room is akin to putting an American flag on the moon or a cross on a church. It’s definitive. If you don’t have a copy of Animal House, a John Belushi poster and a college T-Shirt, you might as well pack up and go home, because you’re obviously not ready to party. This poster encapsulates everything it means to be an American college student in one baffled glance of disbelief. Do yourself a favor, show some class, and pick up this poster.

I hope this will help those of you returning students make a fresh go at things this year, and it’s always a pleasure to drop some knowledge on the incoming freshmen girls (read: froshtitutes.) Just keep in mind, people are going to make assumptions about your personality, what you stand for, and who you are based on the things you display in your dorm room. Always be aware of what you’re putting out there, but most importantly be true to the person inside. After all, no matter how many friends, lovers or parents you might have, you’re the one who needs your room to feel like home.

In the spirit of honesty, I leave you with this: